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365 days later

I figure today is an appropriate day to blog since it has been exactly one year since I walked across the stage and officially became an alumnae from the fabulous Stephens College.

It’s such a surreal feeling…has it really been a year? Just thinking of graduation still brings tears to my eyes. I had been dreading that day for so long. I was so upset to think about leaving my home at Stephens and starting somewhere new. I must admit that it hasn’t been easy. I still question if I should have stayed at Stephens and pursued my masters degree. However, I look back at the year I’ve had in corporate America and wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ve learned so much more about myself - my strengths, weaknesses, abilities, what motivates me, how to lead people older than me, that I have the confidence to move to a new state alone (twice in one year!), etc. I am 100% confident that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I had attended another university. Here I thought high school was tough with the “mean girls”, corporate America is brutal. And on top of that, I’m working in a union environment with all male managers. Talk about a challenge!

All in all, I’m quite satisfied with where I am today. I will admit wholeheartedly that there are times when I yearn for my apartment in Roblee with my best friend right down the hall, Wendy and Doug only walking distance away, the quad, Thursday nights downtown with my Mizzou boys, and a constant feeling of comfort and support. But reality always prevails and I can never vacation at 1200 E Broadway for very long. In between visits, I must rely on the support of my Stephens family. I consider myself the luckiest to maintain relationships with the administration, staff, faculty, alumnae, and students. They, along with my dad, are key to my success and sanity. 

“We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye. And through the years we’ll smile and recall, that for a moment - we had it all.”

Back to reality…

Goodbye sunshine, hello snowstorm

I know, I know…its been a while since my last update. I used to bother Janee all the time if she didn’t update every two weeks and here I am…much later than that. There have been some changes since I last logged in.

 First and foremost, I’m writing this from a different state! I moved from Phoenix to Chicago. I decided warm, sunny weather everyday was dull and so predictable. I would much rather have freezing cold weather complete with ice and snow so I can’t drive for weeks…NOT!

I received a nice surprise before Christmas break that I would be moving to Chicago the following month. I was ecstatic. As my last post stated, I was ready for something more than where I was. I wanted action, energy, and excitement. Be careful what you wish for…right? I went from working on a small campus with ten employees, one dining hall, one cafe, and one food service director to a larger campus with hundreds of employees, four dining halls, a ton of retail, and too many other managers and bosses!!! The first day was completely overwhelming as my friends and family can vouch for. It had snowed that day and my walk back home wasn’t fun. As I tried to hold my cell phone with my frozen fingers while trying to avoid stepping knee-deep into snow and ruining my clean ‘dry clean only’ pants, I remember Wendy saying to me, “One day I’ll remind you of this conversation and you’ll look back and laugh.”

Two weeks later, life is calm(ish). I know most everyones name, I know my purpose, I know where things are on campus, and I know which managers to avoid. :) I’m loving the experience and am happier here than at ASU. However, I now see how beneficial my time at ASU was for my career. I really was thrown into a mess and had to find my own way to dig myself, and our very youthful campus, out of. I learned more than I realized in a very short time, and even know some computer systems and processes that my older, wiser, and higher paid managers don’t know. That’s a cool feeling!

Cool things about Chicago:

1. Driving distance to Stephens, Indiana, and Iowa, so I can see more of my favorite people

2. The city is amazing!!! The lake is beautiful, Michigan Ave is fabulous, and the restaurants are dangerously good

3. Work is more fun, the people are crazy (in a good way and keep me entertained), I’m learning a ton

4. I don’t have a 45 minute commute to work anymore, it’s more like 45 seconds

Not so cool things about Chicago:

1. Snow

2. Ice

3. Sleet

4. Slush

5. Wind

6. Slipping and possibly falling on ice when walking anywhere

7. Not wearing any skirts or cute shoes anymore

8. When the wind messes up your newly clean/styled hair

9. No Quiznos on campus, only Subway

 I know, I know. The winter will be over soon and life will be good. Until next time….

Love made visible

Christmas break has officially begun, and I have two weeks. Two weeks of rest. Two weeks of calm. Two weeks of reading. Two weeks of reconnecting with family and friends. Two weeks of planning for next semester. And also two weeks of reflection.

Friday, I worked feverishly to keep my kids calm until 1pm. I cajoled and joked and somewhat begged my way through the day, desperately counting the hours until the bell rang and I could fling open my classroom door and send every single last hellion home to their parents. But as I wished them a Merry Christmas, hugged them goodbye and straightened my classroom, I was struck by how much has changed.

Five months ago I didn’t know their names, their annoying quirks, or their favorite color. But somehow, at some mundane, unremarkable moment, I fell in love with them. Today, I felt enveloped in that love. Today I was reminded why I love Christmas so much. It has always been the love.

As I lined my students up for lunch on Friday, Kendarius, one of my most precocious and entertaining students, stopped in front of me, looked up at me and sighed: “Oh. I love you Ms. Jones”. As he hugged me, I let him know I loved him back. Ashley was next in line and she willingly stepped in to our sentimental moment, “I love you too Ms. Jones”. I let Kendarius go to give her a hug, “and I love you, Ashely”. Quandarius was after Ashley and the last student in my line, he said “Can I get two bags of chips at lunchtime, Ms. Jones”- Quandarius. “No”- me. “Please just two bags of chips. Its Christmas Ms.Jones! “- Quandarius. “No. Get in line.”- me.   

My favorite Lebanese poet said: “Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.” 

What a sobering thought. The work that I put into my classroom- the lesson plans, the grading, the assessments, the projects, the teaching, the counseling- must be done with love. Regardless of how tired I am, how frustrated I may be, how much I miss seeing my family and friends, that work is showing my love for my students.  I can only imagine how much better my classroom will be once that love supersedes everything else.

At this time of year especially, its easy to find people that have embraced work and are visibly showing their love. Every time I go to the grocery store, I am awed by the love shared by the bell ringers. Not only have they given up their time, but they are willingly standing in the cold, hours at a time. Its an expression of their love.

On the other side of the country, a women’s ministry group spent the last month organizing and ultimately executing a way to send Christmas gifts to 48 students they’ve never met. All of the work that went into their planning, all of the hours they spent discussing and purchasing and mailing this remarkable Christmas package, was simply love, visible to all. Particularly visible to my kids.

A Kansas City woman will be spending a week in Haiti this January. She’ll be flying to a country she’s never been before, living without the conveniences we take for granted, and working. (She’ll be doing lots of working). And by doing so, she’ll be showing her love. It will be visible. It will supersede the exhaustion, the emotional costs and the financial strain. The love will surpass it all.

In this, my favorite time of the year, may you be surrounded by love. May you find opportunities to make your love visible. Merry Christmas.

“Are you willing to believe that love is the strongest thing in the world - stronger than hate, stronger than evil, stronger than death - and that the blessed life which began in Bethlehem nineteen hundred years ago is the image and brightness of the Eternal Love? Then you can keep Christmas.” - Henry Van Dyke

Circuits, magnets and Thanksgiving

It is almost two weeks past Thanksgiving, but I am still giving thanks.  Specifically, in my classroom. It is hard to believe how fast these last three months have gone by, but Christmas is upon us and soon there will be only one semester left for Jamone to understand long division, for Justin to conceptualize fractions and for Destini to master subtraction with regrouping. But although the year is quickly winding down and I have so many things left to accomplish, I am oh so thankful.

Yesterday I gave my students a logic puzzle that stumped a large number of my smartest kids. But DonDre, one of the lowest kids I have ever encountered, was one of the first ones to solve the puzzle. He proudly showed me his answers. Both his classmates and I got excited. We were thrilled for him. We all worked just a little bit harder yesterday after that.  

The week before thanksgiving I made parallel and series circuits in my classroom, my students almost got in fights with each other because they couldn’t see the Science lesson. When I made an electromagnet the next day, they begged to be able to come up and sit on the floor so they could see better.  Not only were they learning, they were enjoying it. I was grateful for their enthusiam. It made me enjoy it as well.  Perhaps my favorite student response though, was from S.G.- “Where do you be getting these things, Ms. Jones?” I just laughed. I like them thinking I know all. 

S.G. being in my class has been a blessing. He has so much potential. I can’t wait to see what he does with his life.  And D.G. is doing well in middle school also: A’s and B’s on his last report card. They both give me reason to celebrate.

But there has been sadness intermingled with the successes. I still have a hard time getting through to some of my tougher students. Two of them were suspended last week. Neither one can afford to miss any time away from the classroom. Something has to change if they’re going to make it. It hurts just to think about how far they have to come.

But I’ve found solace in familiar places- books. As a teacher, I’ve found even more wisdom from children’s books. The Velveteen Rabbit in particular.  

“Real isn’t how you are made”, said the Skin Horse. “Its a thing that happens to you. When a child really loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real”. “Does it hurt?”, asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes”, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt”.

I am REALLY a teacher and sometimes that involves pain. But when you’re real, I guess you don’t mind it so much. The love wipes the hurt away.

I’m still trying to get to that point. Sometimes the hurt seems overwhelming.  

 

PS- I’ll leave you with some quotes heard ’round Carver Upper.  Sometimes it is all I can do not to laugh, at least until I get home!   

Destine- “Wasn’t I funny today, Ms. Jones? I’mma be even funnier tomorrow. I’mma watch a funny movie and read some joke books”

Anedia- “Am I that terrible?” Mrs. B- “Yes. Yes you are. Go to P.E. You may not stay in today”.

Jason- “Can I touch it?” Me- “Its burnt toast” Jason- “I know but I still want to touch it”.                

Damien- “May I get a new pair of scissors?” Me- “Try these”. Damien- “Thank you Ms. Jones, I can get jiggy with these”

Me- “Damien where’s your agenda?” Damien- “I left it at home”. Me- “How am I going to know it was signed?” Damien- “I could tell you” Me- “How could I see it?” Damien- “You could come home with me”.

 

If for no other reason, I’m thankful for the laughs. I’m thankful for the joy they always bring into my day. Nothing else comes close.

News from the Delta

On the topic of education in the Delta, here’s a recent Washington Post article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/27/AR2007102701040.html?hpid=topnews 

Sadly, this is only one of many Delta schools facing this same problem.

Are we there yet?

Stephens College spoiled me. I loved everything about it.

Arizona State University isn’t so fun. It’s so cruel to put me in an environment where I’m surrounded by college students. I miss being in college. I did everything in college. Now I have to stand back and watch other people do them. I’m so envious.

 “So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes.” -Sex and the City

At Stephens, I wanted to pause my experience because I was having the best time. Now, I’m eagerly pressing the fast forward button. I wonder if this is the place I’m supposed to be. I’m not so sure. Especially after last weekend. I had a visit from the most influential woman in my life. It was fabulous, as expected. However, it left me even more homesick for Stephens than before.

 I love this company, but not my assignment. This isn’t Stephens College, there aren’t office hours or advising day. I can’t speak to my boss or district manager about how unhappy I am.  All I can do is the best job possible, and outshine my competition so I can move on to the next step. A step that will hopefully be more fulfilling and more exciting. I’m ready for the next step. I need more excitement, more action, more responsibilities, more energy, more support, and more fun.

 “As we speed along this endless road to the destination called who we hope to be, I can’t help but whine, ‘Are we there yet?’” -Sex and the City

The Deep Heart’s Core

“With a black majority that has long remained susceptible to the all the ills that accompany abject poverty, the Mississippi Delta’s quality of life usually comes in at the bottom. Meanwhile, the few at the pinnacle of Delta society are rich, leisured, and cultured. With no middle class to speak of, its masses oppressed, its rich rolling-in-dough, the Mississippi Delta may qualify as “the most southern place on earth.” ~ James C. Cobb

For those that know it well, the Mississippi Delta has been described as the best place in the world. In the same breath, it is categorized as the worst place in the world. The Mississippi Delta is an oxymoron, a contradiction, a fascinating mix of possibility and hopelessness. Its geography is simple. It is the flood plain of the Yazoo and Mississippi Rivers, an abundantly fertile stretch of swamp that begins, in the words of local writer David Cohn, “in the lobby of the Peabody Hotel in Memphis and ends on Catfish Row in Vicksburg.”

That simple description illustrates the polarization that characterizes this region. It truly does begin in the ritzy hotel with the extremely wealthy and end in the shacks relegated to the poorest citizens of our nation. It begins with the white upper class and the poverty that surrounds blacks in the area. Racial segregation in the Delta is a daily reality, one that no one denies or protests.  An Indianola teacher told me she prefers it that way- better the devil you know, better the racist you can see.

On the Black side of my town, houses burn down, and stay in piles of charred waste for months. One the way to school each morning I see one such house. If I take a different route home, I can see a different one. The walls have collapsed, the roof is non-existent and a gas tank sits in the front yard. It has been there for one month and counting.

Urban myth has it, that after Hurricane Katrina, Mississippi Senator Trent Lott took pictures of New Orleans and pictures of the Delta to Washington, asking his colleagues to determine which ones were caused by the hurricane and which ones were everyday life in the Delta. No one could tell the difference.  

After growing up in an area where books were commodities instead of luxuries, where adequate health care was at the very least an option and where attending college was a possibility and not a fantasy, this place has affected me to my very core. It has forced me to consider my own preconceived notions, my own understanding of poverty, and my own views of this country I call home. The facts of the region are disheartening. It truly is (in the words of Jesse Jackson) “America’s Ethiopia”.

As of 2006- 19.8% of Mississippians live in poverty http://www.irp.wisc.edu/faqs/faq3/table2.htm the highest poverty rate in the country. In the Mississippi Delta, the population is 70% African American. The unemployment rate is 9.8% with a high school drop out rate of 43% http://www.ihl.state.ms.us/urc/drtf/drtf_report.pdf

In Sunflower County (where I teach), only 59% of adults 25 years and older have high school diplomas and only 12% have bachelor’s degrees or higher. 34.3% of Sunflower County residents live below the poverty level. Sunflower County has the ninth lowest per capita income in Mississippi and the 72nd lowest in the United States.  http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/28/28133.html

While the world focuses on poverty in other countries, our own is suffering as well. There are people living without running water and electricity. Here, in the United States of America. There are schools that run out of toilet paper, teachers that kill rats in classrooms, students that have been denied access to an equal education. And yet, there are principals that work relentlessly to create a beautiful environment, even when the devastation of poverty is just across the street. There is a feeling that seems to mask the reality, a pull that caused me to fall in love with this place and its people.

There is a charm in the Delta, a beauty that overshadows what actually is. After traveling throughout Europe and seeing the most amazing architecture, sights that truly tantalize the senses, my favorite landscape is in a place no one wants to visit, a place that seems to belong in a different decade- here, in the Mississippi Delta.

As I drive along highway 82 on my to school each morning, there are acres of cotton fields. During harvest season, the cotton blooms and white blossoms seem to go on forever. For two weeks, the cotton is left undisturbed and “Mississippi Snow” decorates the area. For two weeks, this beauty is enjoyed in secret, while the rest of the country flocks to snow capped mountains and white sand beaches. Here in the Delta, we get to enjoy our own, homegrown beauty.

But eventually, the two weeks end. Huge cotton pickers strip the fields and package them into ugly white blocks that sit along the highways. The blossoms are compressed and carried out of the Delta, and those beautiful fields, are left brown and empty, seemingly barren and desolate. But its possibility for greatness and beauty remains.

Although it is a forgotten place, one most would like to shove under the rug and pretend doesn’t exist, the Delta’s possibility for greatness and beauty remains as well.

“If Mississippi is the heart of the Deep South, then the Mississippi Delta is the deep heart’s core”. The Mississippi Delta will always be in my deep heart’s core. I will never be the same.

Reflections

As Teach For America corps members we are encouraged to “reflect”. To contemplate whether our teaching is pushing our kids to achieve their maximum potential or if we were simply failing in our mission to grant them that excellent education. That’s a lot to think about and it places a huge amount of accountability on my shoulders. I’m not going to lie, I always found “reflecting” to be something I was just not programmed to do. I like to push my mistakes (and my successes) under the rug and go full force with whatever is coming next. I don’t like to dwell on the past or even think about it really.However, summer break gave me ample to time to think and sift through the past year.

Its hard to believe I have been in Mississippi for a full year. Its hard to believe that instead of running around like a headless chicken, I now have “experience” in the classroom. And despite the full year under my belt, it is still hard to believe I am a teacher. Seriously though, who saw that coming?

One month ago I was attending orientation sessions for the incoming 2007 Mississippi Delta corps members. They are fresh from 5 weeks at teacher boot camp and filled with ideas and plans. They look at me like I hold the keys to the kingdom and I don’t have the heart to tell them that 1 year later I still don’t know everything. (Let’s be real: I still don’t know anything!) All I can say is that it gets easier. I don’t know when or how, but at some point, it does begin to make more sense.

However, there are days (like today) when my inexperience cannot be denied. Days when I doubt my effectiveness. Days when I wonder what it would be like to work a job where you can sleep without seeing faces in your mind, when you eat dinner without wondering why T.R. could multiply by two digits at 10 am and not be able to at 1 pm. Days where you don’t feel the weight of 48 minds on your shoulders.

At a recent conference in Phoenix (where I happened to meet up with a fabulous Stephens alum),  I found my quote for days just like today:

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” Michelangelo

I have 48 new “angels” (I often need to insert “hellions” here from time to time) in my room. But the game is still the same: I’m trying desprately to set them free.

One year down. _____ more to go. Its 8pm and I’m still carving away.

Pearls of wisdom

Throughout my life, I’ve been given pearls of wisdom by my family and friends. This includes but is not limited to the following: “Don’t think short term, think long term,” “Your career is a marathon, not a sprint,” “Permanently doesn’t mean  permanently,”  “You never have to say goodbye to anyone.” All of these words of wisdom are things I know to be true. However, sometimes I have a hard time believing them.

Throughout the past two years, Richard Libby has given me advice for any and every situation. One pearl of widsom that I always think about is the following, “There are good people everywhere.”

 Throughout my ten weeks in Arizona, I’ve met a plethora of people. The last six weeks I’ve been in training, and have spent time at two other ASU campuses. I’ve been exposed to new experiences and new people. The one thing that surprised me the most is how easy its been to get to know my co-workers. I’m so impressed with them. I love the variety of personalities and experiences I’ve shared with them. I’ve learned so much from them and surprisingly, I’ve had a lot of fun too. It’s amazing how quickly the feeling of comfort came with these new friends.

 Richard Libby is a pretty smart guy. There really are good people in Phoenix. However, I still think the very best people are in Columbia, Missouri. But then again, I might be a little biased.

What Time Can Do

Time never ceases to amaze me - both in how in manages to pass so quickly, and how much can occur in such a small span. Lately, on the eve of my 25th Birthday and my first “real” job, I’ve been compelled to medidate on where I’ve been and how time and places have changed since I graduated. The breakdown looks something like this:

3 months ago, I was in Buenos Aires, Argentina - completing and defending my thesis, spending quality time with a very pregnant friend and her husband, and living the cosmopolitan Argentine existance - traveling to wine country, eating good beef, and enjoying lingering dinner parties with the local musicians and artists….

6 months ago I was deep in the heart of the Amazon, swimming with pink river dolphins, traveling by boat, and trying to grasp the wisdom and generosity of the people of the rain forest…

1 year ago I was in New York, working at the US Mission to the United Nations, attending meetings and events with Kofi Annan, Muhammad Yunus, Pascal Lamy, Bill Clinton and so many others, negotiating resolutions on economic development and globalization, and talking - communicating - with the peoples of the world….

2 years ago I started my Masters at Georgetown in Argentina, beginning on my new path in International Development…

and 3 years ago I was starting my senior year at Stephens.

So… where am I know?

Oddly (and wonderfully), back where I started. I am here - at Stephens. This time on the other side of the coin: a teacher, an advisor, a faculty member.

and i love it.

The traditional Andean people have this great theory of time, in which it is all a great big spiral and at any time, when you need to, you can go back to a parallel moment and start anew.

So here I am.

Time might go on, with all it crazy changes, but Stephens continues, and she doesn’t forget you. I remember upon graduating, thinking of Stephens as a great mother, and now I am even more convinced she is. She helped me grow, sent me out into the world, and is now welcoming me home. I couldn’t be happier.

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